EP8: The Worst Sex of My Life

“Having sex to have a baby when you have fertility issues is the worst and least sexy sex there is.” - Episode 8 (0:14 - 0:22)

Fertility issues can rob the pleasure and excitement of sex.

This was the topic for my latest episode of the FU Project podcast. You can listen here.

Those of us with fertility issues understand that babymaking turns sex into a whole new beast. I’m not talking about the playful, frisky under the sheets sex while Marvin Gaye whines “Let’s Get It On!”. I’m talking about the “Hey honey, hurry up I’m ovulating today!” sex with Hanson snapping MMMBop. Super romantic, right? No way! I would know. I’ve had a truly horrific “worst sex of my life” experience. Thankfully, I survived and am here to share my story with you.

“We had to have sex in a cardboard box with his parents and sister in the next room making coffee.” - Episode 8 (1:51 - 1:58)

Back when I was still trying to naturally conceive, my husband and I rented a beach house with his family. The idea sounded pleasant enough. That is, until we pulled up to a cardboard-looking box of a house. Nevertheless, we piled in and situated ourselves in our respective rooms. Our room happened to be right next to the kitchen. You could imagine my excitement when I could hear the crispness of breakfast being made traveling through the thin walls on the morning of ovulation day.

We had already been trying for nine months. That morning I told my husband it was now or never.

Slowly we climbed onto the rickety bed as we started “getting ready” for our day. The springs screamed back and threatened to expose us with our every move. Perhaps the shower could help cover the noise? My husband disappeared into the bathroom and quickly returned. Regrettably, no luck. First strike. We rolled onto the floor. But the hardwood was, well, too hard. Second strike. Our last resort was to stand. There was only one little problem here. My husband is 6’6” and I’m 5’5”. I would have to hold onto something to manage.

As we shuffled our way to the bathroom sink, we were greeted by a blanket of hot steam from my husband’s previously brilliant idea. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Enough was enough. This was taking far too long for anyone to casually “get ready.” In fear of losing our chance, stifling my husband’s performance and revealing my true feelings of this hellish situation, I called upon a shameful but necessary approach to getting the job done.

“I was embarrassed and worried and self-conscious that his mom knew we were trying to ‘do it’ in the bathroom .” - Episode 8 (6:56 - 7:04)

I faked face. Now before you point the finger, know that I didn’t fake the “big-o.” I have way too much respect for myself! I didn’t fake the big-o, but I faked my “enjoyment” of this hellish nightmare of an experience. My husband finished and surprise, we didn’t get pregnant that month. I share this story with you because I really want to help bring some comfort in your own fertility issues and sexcapades in babymaking.

Thankfully we discovered IVF soon after. While what I just shared would’ve been way more interesting and horrifyingly awkward as the story of my children’s conception, I sort of like the truth better. Mommy and Daddy sat in two separate rooms of a lab while MMMBop played in the background. At least then I got pregnant! So it’s sexy enough for me!

With thanks & love,


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